... talking about marriage.

Asking questions about the sustainability of one's marriage, brings up all sorts of conversations with one's spouse. Okay, I brought up some issues and they festered and oozed out into needing to talk to George. So one Monday we sat in our room confessing our faults to one another (as well as bringing up some faults of each other) and I realized we were both so exhausted we made little time for one another, and were both feeling the results of being neglected. We both admitted to having a bit of trepidation about enlarging our family. He being worried about finances, me being worried about the time and sacrifice that goes into raising an infant (and I'll admit a little vanity about being over 30 and what my body won't do that it did with Dorian when I was in my 20's). Our discussion brought us together and the result, no sex for two weeks. Not because we are angry or anything like that, but because he embarked on a spiritual journey that I support and it requires us to abstain for two weeks. This has been the greatest course in our marriage. We typically keep our distance from one another if we can't "get any", but realizing the importance of making sure each other are getting what we need emotionally, we can't keep our hands off one another. In the mornings, we no longer hop out of bed to get started on business tasks or daily chores. We linger in bed for hours at a time making out like teenagers keeping far enough away so not to be tempted to go any further. We can't afford a vacation right now, and being our plans for travel down south during this holiday season was sidetracked by extra people to care for, and broken down vehicles, we still need the down time. We retreated to one another's arms for blotting out the rest of the world, and it works better than any flight to a destination. During these past two weeks, our silly arguments have resulted in retreating to our bedroom with the door closed attempting to "solve" our dispute and the rest of the people in our home are none the wiser. We understand life can be stressful, and have decided to stop taking it out on one another... for now. If forever is what we're chasing, we can either choose to live waring with one another, or we can lock and load, hop in the trenches together and come out aiming at the world. We are too ruthless at war (generally speaking) to fight one another, so we make better allies than enemies, besides we didn't start off as enemies so why end up there.

Forever. Forever?

Marriage is tough, and with no examples of a successful marriages to learn from in our circle of influence, I often wonder how we got where we currently are, and how do we get to where we are attempting to go...forever. We've only been at this thing for 7 years now, and have so much to learn about being a good spouse that we are not nearly to be considered experts, but what we both have in common is our willingness to hop in the trenches, lock and load, and come out fighting together. Occasionally there is friendly fire, and we aim the weapons at one another, then we have to regroup and remember that we are not one another's enemy.  There are some things we are still learning, like how to speak to one another. We are good friends, so sometimes we cross the line and speak to one another as though we aren't married. Jokingly one day we were talking about my parents. I mentioned the challenges they both have. My father has never been faithful to anyone, and my mother often stretches the truth to fit how she wants others to see her. George then laughs and says jokingly "so your father's a ho and your mother's a liar." Realizing the absurdity of it all I laugh to, then he proceeds to say "so what does that make you...." (yes you've guessed the rest right) "a lying ho." Certainly we realize these types of conversations can be damaging to our relationship, okay let me pause, I realize it, we're still working on his realization. Though I've mentioned it lots of times, over the years he still doesn't see what's wrong if you're only joking. The problem is, I've fought guys for less, and there is no way to maintain a healthy level of respect for my husband, if we cross some lines. At year seven, we're still attempting to draw lines in the sand, and inform the other person it's not okay to cross those lines. I guess some couples get to this hard part and throw in the towel. It really is a training process. He must be trained how to treat me, and so must I. I used to not like the word "trained" when it came to marriage. It sounds like an animal or pet, however when initially employed we go through a training process and I'm willing to deal with that label. Compound this process with financial woes, additions to the family or household, and the daily grind of trying to work, grow businesses etc., it can get difficult. I was never under any elusions that marriage was something that would be easy, but if I had known it was this hard, I would have probably said no thank you. I went in to this wanting to get this part done and over with as soon as possible, but you can't rush it. Most people put their best face forward when entering a new relationship, I never liked this part, always felt it was fake. When a person starts off with their best face, it causes you to respond appropriately, which is typically admirable. However when the true person comes out, and the habits are noticed, and the fighting begins, you respond accordingly. If you drop a baby (please don't rush out and try this, I am a mandated reporter) they place their hands in front of them instinctively to protect themselves. Our natural instincts are to defend ourselves, so it becomes a serious challenge not to retaliate when you feel wronged. He didn't get you what you wanted (or anything) for your birthday, so you stop cooking all his meals. He ignored your feelings of how important it was to come home on time when you planned a special night out just you two, so you felt the need to make him feel what you felt, unimportant and unappreciated, so ignore his calls when you see his number in caller ID on your cell phone. He refuses to pick up after himself, so you left his things all over the place and he could no longer find anything because you were what kept him organized. I could go on and on, but I'm certain you can think of some things on your own. Something I have discovered over these 7 years is that wives are a magnified mirror image of what their husbands are. If he refuses to be the head of the household, she takes on that responsibility and beats him over the head with it. If he refuses to appreciate and value her, she ignores him and disrespects him like he's a nobody. In order for us to get it right, we have to see it modeled. The Christian answer to this problem would be to pray for him to get it right, and allow God to work on him and you, but our human side questions why God even sent him in the first place (if he was sent by God, hopefully that is your case). I know why God sent my husband, and I know I'd be a hot mess without God & him in my life, no telling what example I'd be for my son, but sometimes I really want to have a one on one conversation with God about the details of the person he placed in my life. Without having been a man, I can only deduce it is difficult to love your wife. If it weren't, God would never have instructed them to love us as they love themselves. We weren't instructed to love our husbands, it just comes to us. If loving us is as difficult as obeying them (which God instructed us to do, so he knew it would be hard), then I can understand how they fall short at time. Find someone who's been happily married for over 20 years, and ask them how they managed to both survive. Forever seems like a long time, and has us both wondering where we could travel to contract a slow killing disease that would shorten our sentences... and I mean that with the utmost sense of love. 

Hostile Takeover Pt. II

So if you've been busy at war with attempting to possess your promise land (like I have been), then I'm certain you have a few battle wounds. Let's revisit the hostile takeover the children of Israel were called to perform in order to take possession of the land that had been promised to them. Historically we see the inhabitants they faced were descendants of giants. [Not giants as in Jack & The Bean Stalk, but scientifically proven most people back then were much smaller than they are now, men ranging from 4'7"-5'6". The descendants that inhabited the land of Caanan were on average 7-8 feet tall] Not only did they have to drive them out of the land, but the war was seemingly impossible. Just keep this in mind, when you remove the "I Am" from possible you get "i-mpossible". All things are possible only with Christ, thus we see the tribe of Judah (which again means praise) were successful in claiming their promises. Boxers are even classified by divisions, feather weight, light weight, regular and heavy weight divisions. Thus the fight is a bit more equitable. Those who are taller and heavier have a longer reach, which gives them an advantage over their shorter armed lighter weighing opponent. The longer your reach, the further away you can be when you strike your opponent. When you are smaller and have smaller arms, you must get in the thick of the battle in order to cause damage. Of course we're tired, we've been backed up against the ropes and we're waiting on the referee (God) to ring the bell and declare the fight over and us victorious.
Get to the point....right! You're tired, you're beat up, you're ready to throw in the towel and say to heck with this fight, where I'm at isn't that bad after all. If your promise wasn't of greater value, there would be no reason to fight. Enemies attempt to keep you from what would make you happy and successful. The problem with enemies is even when you are over their tactics, and you have stopped giving them the power to cause you to be distracted, they are still at work attempting to figure out what is the next thing that will get you tripped up so you lose focus on your promise. Of course you're tired, you've been fighting giants, they have longer arms than you and more energy. Whatever giant you are facing in life, whether it be finances, relationships, children, work, ministry, etc., you can only accomplish a hostile takeover with God's help. It wasn't meant for you to fight it alone. Don't fight like it's just you, fight like you have a nation of angels on your side that will follow your command. Fight light you've already won. Fight like you've seen the outcome, and you can already taste the fruit that grows in your promise land. If Alexander the Great was one of the most successful and feared conquerors of all times, but Romans 8:37 says yet in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us, then we are more than capable of coming out of this battle victorious. The fight isn't over, so don't quit now. Tighten up those shoe laces and keep running toward your giant, if he doesn't fall right away he just might retreat because he'll think you're crazy and you can't win when you're fighting a crazy person because they just won't give up. :))

George explained....

As I was listening to someone (who hardly knows George from a can of paint) describe him as "arrogant," I began to laugh and realized if you don't know George, he appears to be a piece of work. Having never grown up with a man in the home, and raised by his grandmother and a host of aunts, he has made up what he thinks a strong man should be. Having negative feelings towards his own father (he didn't meet him until he was 10 years old, although his youngest sister is 7 years younger than him, which means she was conceived when George was 3, however he had never seen his father), he decided to grow up and be the man he needed in his life when he was younger. He joined the marines at 18 years old, making up his mind to find a way on his own to pay for college. Without his mothers approval, he signed up and has been in the military every since. When ever George initially meets a man, there is this "dance" (for the lack of a better word) that he does. It's typical of most male dogs (not at all comparing him to a dog, but they do the same thing). There's the sizing up, the comparison to his image of what a man should be doing, what a man should have accomplished, and what a man should possess by a certain age. If he feels the man doesn't fit this image, then he begins dissecting the man to determine what is wrong with him that he has not accomplished all that he should have by now. There is little room for error, unless you have a physical disability (that is visually seen) he doesn't understand not having succeeded in life. While both of us possess the same thought process of not allowing negative situations in your life to cause you to be life's victim, he is a bit more extreme. As a marine, he believes everything can be solved with violence (what marine doesn't). The country is in financial peril, solution = kill all those who refuse to work. World population is an issue, solution = kill all those who keep having kids out of wedlock. Children are going hungry, solution = parents shouldn't have had them, if they can't feed their kids, kill the parents. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but my husband is absolutely insane. LOL As a natural leader, he certainly doesn't understand a man not being the head of his house and letting the woman handle the finances. While he had taught me plenty about saving, investing, etc., he still largely maintains all savings and retirement plans for the both of us, making certain that our futures are secure. He believes in working hard (in the 7 years we've been together I have never seen him take a day off or call in sick), saving/investing money, living off of only 1/3 of your income, and being his version of what a man is supposed to be. When my dad lived with us, George had a serious time adjusting to another strong man in the house. He didn't learn to speak to my dad until my dad saw past his mask. Now that my biological father lives with us, he's been able to get past that thin hard exterior and get to the gooey soft center of who George really is. Not many people get to that point with him, and those who he doesn't allow in, will always see him as arrogant, obnoxious, annoying, know-it-all, loud mouth who seems to have an opinion about everything. His family has recognized that I am the only person who can get him to turn all of that crap off entirely and listen to me......yeah, I don't see it. LOL But I love my little loud mouth marine. 

Agree to disagree? Pt. II

I spent Saturday and Sunday praying that God would move on the heart of George and he would show some compassion. That and the silent treatment seemed to get him to understand this was not something that was negotiable, and I wasn't bending. Having never been abused as a child, and always having another family member step in and take care of him even when his mother was unable to, George doesn't understand the concept of child abuse or neglect. He can't imagine it happening to children right under his nose, or worst, that he's related to.

While the king of the castle may have the ability to make and set decrees, it is always the queen who is able to turn his head. Without arguing, or causing a scene. Without neglecting my wifely "duties" and leaving my husband high and dry. While continuing to show love, fix his plates, get his clothes ready in the morning, but voicing my concerns, he listened. So now I am on a hunt for our girls.

My aunt (who is now home from observations at a mental institution) is the only key to finding where the girls are. After getting through Dorian's lessons this morning, I have decided to pay my aunt a visit and seek information on the whereabouts of her ex-husband (who is either keeping the girls, or knows where they are). Armed with the assignment of guardianship papers my cousin originally signed and we had notarized, I will make it very clear that if the girls are not returned to me (their legal guardian), I will contact the local authorities and report them missing. This too, requires a hostile takeover, and I refuse to let them go this time.

Agree to disagree?

What happens in marriage when you are faced with a life altering decision, and you and your spouse do not agree on the direction to go. Biblically the husband is the head of the house, so all final decisions rest with him, but what do you do when you know the decision he may have made is the wrong one? Before the girls left, I knew their mother would not be able to take care of them, and would regret having taken them back. Once the money ran out, and she found herself still homeless, she would get to a point where she would turn over her children once again. After only two months, and having spent most of those two months sleeping in her truck with 6 of her children (including the girls), she finally came to the point of giving up. When George and I agreed to take the girls in, he said if their mother were to ever take them back, the girls could not return to us, under no circumstances. I never agreed with that idea, and we discussed it even until this day. I came up with several scenarios where I felt his rule needed to bend, but once George has made a decision, he sticks to it no matter how outdated or inhumane it may be. I don't know if it has to do with admitting he was wrong (which he has not learned to do either) or he can not stand to get attached to them to have them taken away (which it seems to be more of than anything). He wanted to have their mother's parental rights stripped, but having voluntarily given up her children, there was no court that would do that; and the amount of money we would have to spend in order to hire an attorney in order to prove her unfit was not in our budget.
The latest news is the girls are now living with a known sexual predator (who has been incarcerated previously for rape). Him and his daughter agreed to take the girls but not the boys. I have no way of contacting their mother, or the girls. I can't help but feel like she was forced to give them to someone else because of the inhumane rule that George came up with. I'm trying not to be angry, but having recently gone off junk food and experiencing food withdrawals has my head hurting and me moody. Due to this fact, I'm not passing any judgement, and remaining silent, as anything I say may cause a huge argument. Their grandmother is so upset at finding out where her grandchildren are (with her ex husband, who was also physically abusive) that she has attempted suicide and is now in a mental facility for further observations. It is a huge ripple that seems unnecessary, I just want my girls back. We are attempting to have more children in January 2012, and the thought of procreation with someone who can dismiss children in need so easily seems a bit useless. Am I wrong? I am staying on my face in prayer, as I can not allow my emotions and thoughts to consume me, but I can not end this with agreeing to disagree. What else can I do?

A hostile takeover

As I'm sitting under the hair dryer this morning prior to waking up everyone in the house on Sunday morning to get them fed and dressed for church, instead of going to my favorite game app on my smartphone, I went to my Bible app (which there are free Bible apps for smartphones, if you've downloaded every other app but not a Bible one, perhaps you should do that now). As I pray each morning on what direction God will have my day go in, I listen to his voice and flip to Judges 1: 27. The historical theme of Judges is God's faithfulness to the Israelites, though they were disobedient. The tribes of Israel after Joshua had died, neglected to raise their children in the ways of God (which is for another blog entry). Starting at verse 27 through the first 6 verses of chapter 2 we see the incomplete conquest to possess the land which God had promised to Israel. Once the promise land was divided into sections for the various tribes of Israel, it was up to the tribes to go in and possess the land. The tribe of Judah (which means "Praise"), who was the tribe where Caleb came from (one of the 12 spies originally sent out by Moses to see what the promise land looked like, and one of two who returned and gave a good report, and the only one who quieted the people and said we can take the inhabitants) were the only tribe who obeyed God's instructions to the letter. The rest of the tribes did not see the land promised to them because they attempted to slide in and dwell with the inhabitants.
How does this relate to us today?
We are sitting waiting for God to bring about the things he has promised to us, yet we are chillin' with the very people he told us to separate from. We are hanging on to that piece of a job because we are fearful of starting our own businesses. We are clinging to those relationships God has told us to leave because we have a fear of being alone. If you are trying to get the promise to come, then you can't compromise (come promise = no compromise). How can you expect to be a leader attempting to quietly sit in the back of the room? Those of us who are called to great leadership, often have the problem of still being singled out, even when we are attempting to stay low key. The tribes who decided to disregard the instructions that may have taken them out of their comfort zone (most of us do not seek out confrontation or a fight) did not see the full benefits of their promise. The inhabitants became a thorn to them. Some of us work with some people we can not stand, because we are attempting to befriend the inhabitants instead of realizing this isn't a merger, this is a hostile takeover. I don't want to settle for doing okay in business, my vision has always included the words "premier provider" of certain student services. In order to stay in position to receive the promise God has given you, you must be willing to look crazy pursuing your dreams. As a commercial George and I like said, you can't settle for just "Keeping up with the Joneses", you have to chase them (or us) down. Get off your excuses, and realize this is a hostile takeover!!!! GET 'R DONE!!!

A reality show in the making

In case you don't remember, I moved my mother and her husband in with us back in June. Well actually into my trailer, as she doesn't want her animals to sleep alone. Another reminder, she brought two dogs and three cats (one of which was pregnant and had four kittens). Yes, you've done the math correctly, that is a total of nine animals living in my RV. Luckily I was in the process of fixing it up and had just pulled all the flooring out. Sunday, September 11, my father calls me (that is my biological father, in case you missed that entry as well, we were just reunited July 17) who tells me there had been a problem at his house, and he wanted me to pick him up. Once I arrived, I could tell he was really distraught, so I told him to pack a bag and he could stay at my house. Once at our house, he felt so relieved and able to relax that he slept for two days. After waking up on the third day, he decided to leave his home and take me up on an offer I had made previously to move into the room that the girls had just vacated just about four weeks ago. Tuesday, September 13 (our wedding anniversary) we spent the day moving my father into our home. Yes, my mother, her baby's daddy and her husband are all living at the same house. The last few days have been interesting to say the least. My mother is questioning why I'm doing so much for my dad, and why he has a cable box in his room and she doesn't have one in the RV. She wants to know what her $400 in rent includes. She has nine animals and two people living in my RV, they don't buy groceries or pay utilities and she's complaining about $400. My father works around the house, pays his share as well as gave me a new SUV that he pays the note on. I didn't ask my father for the car, but he can't drive, and he didn't want to send it back and mess up his credit. I don't think what I'm asking is unreasonable, $200/ person including utilities and food. I'm too exhausted to even address this issue right now, but I noticed these issues came up while I was away at work. I wish she would have brought it up while I was here. And by saying "I wish", I really mean "I wish she would...." I guess she has forgotten I had to move out at 15 years old, and she left when I was 18 years old to move out of state and didn't know what college her only child was attending. I guess she has also forgotten she was also hooked on crack most of my life after 9 years old either, and while it is understandable that I do absolutely nothing for her, I still honor her because she is my mother, and the Bible instructs me to do so. (Okay, I'm starting to rant). God give me strength. Pray for me ya'll.

Where are all the workers at?

Years of working with teenagers who have behavior disorders and problems, now working in detention facilities, I realize something that has taken over our society, no one wants to work anymore. Everyone wants things to come natural. They want to be dancers; but without taking additional classes, without risking pulling muscles or other injuries, and without even reading who Martha Graham is. They want to be athletic; and become an NBA star without rigorous hours of daily practice, without being team players, and without knowing Irving "Magic" Johnson was more than the owner of a Starbucks, TGI Friday's and movie theaters. We want booming businesses without having failed at business first, we want perfect marriages, without having gotten to the point of wanting to call it quits but yet remained. We want well mannered children, without having taught them the words "please" and "thank you." We no longer want to work for anything. I blame the microwave! Having the ability to cook a three course meal in less than 10 minutes has us walking on a new job the first day expecting a promotion. What are we thinking?

Life is full of two things, work and tests, the sooner we accept it, the sooner we will experience true joy. Everything we do in life requires us to work at it, things we do not work at ultimately fail. As Christians, there is a sense of worth we get from working, because we know who we are working for. In everything we do, we know why we do things in excellence. When you walk in your purpose, you begin to enjoy the work that you do, and it is most times pleasurable, but it is still work. 

Then there are the tests. We do not stop taking tests because we passed our exams to receive the highest degrees issued to man, but we are tested regularly. Our patience is tested, our emotions are tested, our faithfulness is tested, and only when we pass these tests can others see our true character. 

Today we shy away from work and tests. If someone tells you while you're on the alter getting ready to say "I do" it's gonna be work, some people would turn away and run back towards the exit. Even educational facilities have accommodations for test takers, but these examples don't represent life. Where are all the people who had chores as a kid? It was work, but it taught you how to be a responsible adult. Last summer I had a 16 and 17 year old girls who had no clue how to wash a car. They didn't know how to wash their own clothes, and had no real responsibilities at home. It's no wonder why no one wants to work anymore. George and I gave up the regular 9 to 5 and we find ourselves doing more work and working longer hours, but having more fulfillment than ever. If you are expecting to get through this life without working and passing some tests, good luck.

A calling, not a curse

Having a parent who is mentally impaired is often a challenge. Sure I can look back and laugh at some of the stories now, but while in the middle of some of the madness it is frustrating. As a child, I had a great relationship with my mother. We talked all the time, we hung out, we shared stories, but by the time I was twelve I was seeking advice, direction and discipline not friendship. My mother wasn't capable of being a parent. The first time my mother was committed to a mental institution she was 13 years old. The next time she was 29 years old. It wasn't until she married her current husband Kevin, 10 years ago, that she was convinced to seek psychiatric help. Over the years through the tragic death of my brother, when he was 10 years old, several abusive relationships, and two previously failed marriages, my mother turned to drugs to self medicate. Apparently she didn't really understand the old commercials liking a frying egg to your brain on drugs, and perhaps she would have raised her hand on the part where the speaker asks "any questions," as the drugs further complicated her already diminished mental capacity. She is now medicated to keep her calm and coherent, but she still lacks the ability of higher level reasoning and decision making.
The things she has exposed me to as a child, that no typical parent would ever dream of letting their child do, or exposing them to will have to be read in my autobiographical book, as there are too many to tell in one blog entry. I was angry growing up because I didn't know she was unable to make sound decisions, I just thought she chose to do the crazy things she did. These days I find myself consistently reminding George and me, that she can not make a better decision. The transition back to California from Arizona has been a challenging one, as she left all of her important documents (i.e, birth certificate, marriage certificate, social security card) in storage in Phoenix. Instead of reordering these items, I observed as she attempted to scrape enough money together to purchase a bus ticket to Phoenix so she could get to her storage unit. Yesterday she knocks on my room door early in the morning, waking George and I up. She tells me she needs help showering (she's also physically disabled and can't stand for very long) so she isn't late to her psychiatrist appointment. I look at the clock and inform her her appointment is still 4 hours out, and we live only 30 minutes from her doctor. I tell her I will help her later. We get up, unable to go back to sleep, and she has gone to the store (2 miles away) on her scooter. She didn't charge it completely, so she runs out of power down the road from the house. She finds someone who agrees to tie a rope around her scooter and pull it back to the house (with her still on it, riding it and steering). George is so amazed and laughing, that he yells for me to run and grab my camera. I'm learning to have patience on a whole other level. Even though she is mentally challenged, I am still required to honor her. It's a challenge at times, as she makes odd requests and demands, but we are truly taking it moment by moment. I realize taking care of my family in this season is a calling not a curse, and I'm up for the challenge.

What are little girls made of?

I have watched them grow, blossom and develop over the past year, and now I have to watch them return to the negative situation they were plucked from when they first arrived a year ago.
Friday, August 11, my cousin called asking if the girls could visit for the weekend. I hadn't had time to take them to her for their first weekend visit, so I welcomed her using her gas to pick them up instead of mine. I'm usually very protective and am very much "mother hen" when they are out of my presence, but this departure was different. A week prior I had sat down with each individual girl and told them how special they were to me, and that during their time with me and George we would instill all of the necessary morals and beliefs needed to lay a solid foundation for the rest of their lives. Little did I know that conversation was preparing their heart and mine for their soon return to their mother.
Last week a brief Facebook post turned into a detailed conversation with a friend who was going through the same thing with three little girls of her own. We were able to open up to one another about our fears and hesitations in raising someone else's children. I had always told people that I had four children, but recently found myself returning to saying I have one child and three whom don't belong to me, but who still have a special place in my heart. It had been my prayer that God protect my heart and not allow me to feel what I felt when Aaliyah (a child I was adopting and had raised from birth to two years) had been ripped out of my home. I couldn't handle that type of heart break, especially right now. I just started a new job, I'm revamping my business, taking care of my mother who moved in with us almost two months ago, still handling my Aunt Rose personal affairs as she is still in the hospital, I have no time for emotional drama.
I wasn't at all upset she had taken the girls back, I was upset in the manner in which she did it. George was away for the weekend on military duty, and none of us were given the opportunity to say goodbye. Friday as the girls were walking out the door, all Didi asked me when their music lessons would start, I told her when she got back home. Her mother knew then she wouldn't be bringing them back. She knew how they looked forward to the upcoming school year. Certainly I can think of tons of things to do with their room now, and how much time I will have now, and how my house will stay cleaned again. But the chaos and whirlwind they brought to this house is unmatched by any other joy. There's that human side of me that wants to hire an attorney and fight to strip of her of her parental rights, but there's that superhuman side of me that says "you've done all you needed to do with them." As I attempted to sleep last night, I prayed for their safety and their overall emotional/spiritual health. I turned off the TV and held onto my snoring husband and allowed time for just one cry. After only 4 hours of sleep (if that), I awoke early to begin washing and packing all of their clothes that were left behind. They have survived foster care, homelessness, and abandonment. Sugar and spice and everything nice, I think not. Those little girls are made out of nails, bobbed wire, and tungsten and I know they are not easily broken.

Where Have the Butterflies Gone?

I often find myself assessing the value of things in my life. My businesses, my relationships, me. Somewhere between the conversation with my cousin last night about being a good steward of what God has blessed us with (including relationships), I began to wonder how much do I take my husband for granted. I have been looking at a loved ones current health situation, and the response of those around her wondering why has their not been a bigger response of the relationships she's sown into. Then I sought God for understanding and immediately received clarity. While we can expect others to get over the trials they've encountered with family members, the person who has sown discord will still reap what they've sown. You can't plant corn and expect peas. The negative words we speak to others can not be retracted once spoken, and no apology will reverse the damage they've done.
Each summer, I have my campers take out a piece of paper. I ask them to punch holes in it with a pen. Some get really excited to damage something and really go all out until their piece of paper resembles a melting snowflake. I then ask them to mend the holes, to which they look at me like I'm crazy. I explain to them this is what harmful words do to people. You can tell the person sorry, but it fixes nothing inside of them.
So getting back to assessing my own relationship. I lay there awake last night, wondering what part of serving my husband is love, and what part is obligation. Certainly you don't wake up every morning feeling in love. At some point the butterflies have to die right? Just as I lay there in the darkness, awake staring at the ceiling, George wakes up and puts his arms around me and passionately kisses me as though it were our first kiss. The butterflies in my stomach wake up and flutter and I have no question that I love him much more now than I did when we first started dating and never wanted to be apart. There is an evolution to love that allows you to experience a certain level of freedom. George once told me this, and I truly understand now what he meant. He once told me he required me, like freedom, like air. (Those of you who know George, know that is uncharacteristic for him.) We often move from a place of understanding the evolving of a relationship and believe the passion dying. A friend (more like brother) expressed to me on Sunday what he saw when he looked at George and I, and it blessed me more than he knew. We rarely publicly display any signs of affection, but he saw the love we truly have for one another.
I am reminded how to keep the passion going, successful swimmers come up for air, but they put their face right back in the water and keep swimming to the end. We're not knee deep in this, we're completely submerged.

Peaches and Herb: Reunited

I have not seen my father since I was 18 years old. I ran into him in a grocery store parking lot and never exited the passenger side of the car I was riding in to talk to him. With a ton of misunderstandings and assumptions that lead to bitterness rolling around inside me, it never occurred to me to give him my current information or ask for his. Years later I regret not having had a clearer mind to stir up a better conversation that led to the development of a relationship that never existed. When I was 21 years old, after a night of partying with college friends, I received a phone call at 7am asking if I was related to someone with the same last name as mine. Groggy and unable/unwilling to understand the stranger on the other end of the phone searching for living relatives of the late Anonymous Taylor, I hung up the phone. Later that morning when I fully awoke, I wondered if the man who I knew as my father, had actually passed. I didn't know how to feel. I remembered that every encounter I had with him was pleasant and always ended with him giving me money for the ice cream truck. Not certain if the call was even about my father, I pushed the thought away and continued living my life, hoping that one day I'd be able to learn for certain the whereabouts of my father. My grandfather ran into someone who worked with my father years later, and at 27 I learned he was alive and living with his wife in Moreno Valley. I lived a stones throw away in Perris, and wondered why I hadn't at some point ran into him. I searched for every Taylor in Moreno Valley, and had no luck. My grandfather asked the mutual friend for my father's information, but he refused to give it to him.
Sunday, July 10, 2011 while at church, my pastor sidetracked in the middle of his sermon to say that someone would restore a relationship that had been broken. The words he spoke hit me as though someone were throwing pillows at me. I wasn't sure why, and I had no clue who, but I received the word and kept listening to the rest of the sermon. The next day I received word from my grandfather that the mutual friend had finally given him my father's phone number. He had called and confirmed the information was accurate. I took two days to call. I was nervous and wasn't certain my father wanted to talk to me. When I made the call, we began talking as though we had never lost touch. He was happy to learn that he was a grandfather, and he made sure to give me every phone number to his sisters so that he would never lose me again. I visited him this past Saturday, and we sat talking for hours. He showed me old family photos of his side of the family, I showed him my wedding album and photos of my college years. He had told me he had been looking for me for years, but didn't know where to begin. When I called my Aunt Evelyn in South Carolina, she joyfully said, "welcome to the family." She hadn't seen me since I was a baby, and would be sending me photos as well.
My father was grateful that I was a forgiving person, and it was a great opportunity to not just talk the talk, but the walk the walk and show him the beauty of Christ operating in me. I can't imagine clouding the great conversations we've had over the past 7 days with bitterness and questions of why. We can't recoup the time past, but we can enjoy the time present and enjoy what time we do have with one another. Everything I am today is a direct result of all that I have encountered in my life, good/bad/indifference. I wouldn't change who I am today. While he may not have had the opportunity to contribute to who I am today, there is a long list of people who can lay claim to being there. He will have an opportunity to contribute to who I will be tomorrow. 

Don't Stress Over Their Mess!

June 1st, the day of my last post, I received a phone call from my mother's husband Kevin. Apparently my mother had spent about $600 of their $700 rent. In previous months we had wired them $500 for their rent, as they were short during Kevin's job transition. My mother lives in Arizona, and had no desire to move back to California. Although they have no family remaining in Arizona, and my mother was born and raised in California, she remains adamant about staying there. When I received the call, I knew what they were looking for, however Kevin suggested another solution, they move in with us. Did I ever mention our ranch house is only 3 bedrooms? When we moved here a little over a year ago, it was just the three of us, when the girls moved in, we were able to fit them into one room with a bunk bed and one twin. Our 3 bedroom is already busting at the seems with the six of us, and now we are adding 2 more adults, 2 dogs and 2 cats. I'm highly allergic to cats and furry dogs, yes you guessed it, their dogs are furry. I can not breathe around her animals, and risk hospitalization if I continue to remain in the same house as these animals.
My dogs Zeke & Luther (named after the tv show) are outside dogs. They are shepherd mixes and are very much able to handle the terrain, weather and wild animals. My mother feels it is cruel to animals to leave them outside, where George and I agree that we don't care for inside animals. I have informed them they will have to make arrangements for their animals. Thanksgiving 2008 my mother slept in her car with her animals because I refused to allow them to come in the house. It was cold, and raining, but she said her dogs were not used to sleeping without her. Yes, it is as crazy as it sounds, but you must understand, my mother is mentally ill and is medicated to remain "normal." Her doctor as deemed her animals as "therapy dogs." The solution we came up with was for me to drive to AZ, rent a u-haul car dolly and tow Kevin's car with all their belongings and animals back to CA. Then have my rv (which is currently in storage with several flat tires from non use) towed back to our house (I have rv connections located at the back of my house) where my mother, her husband and animals can reside. I discovered it is $250 just to have my rv towed, and you guessed it right again, I'm paying for this all.
George and I came up with a better solution. Fly there, get them, tell them to find some place for their animals and store their belongings until later, and let that be that. A one way ticket to AZ was $148, so I came up with a better solution. I will pay to have my rv towed, and they will have to figure out how to get here. Since when is the burden on me to financially support two adults, when I have four kids to take care of? There are due in any day now, but I have decided to wait until Tuesday to have the rv towed (when George is back home from military training), just in case there are any glitches. Their dogs will have to either stay in their car, or be subjected to the harsh environment where coyotes, bobcats, rabbits and my dogs reside. This solution is the least stressful for me, and that is what seemed to matter most.

24 Hours in a day

It has been a moment since I have taken the time to update you on how the Joneses are handling life these days. So many things have found me to fill up my day, I am recently questioning if there are in fact only 24 hours in one day. I had the opportunity to have a heart to heart conversation with the girls this evening. The oldest, who turned 9 on May 22, asked me if their mother was ever going to get her life together to take them back. I told her whether her mother did or not, George and I are committed to raising them and sending them to college just as they were our own children. I told her we were in no rush for her and her sisters to leave, and while it was a serious change and challenge going from one child to four over night, we wouldn't change anything about our decision. Didi (the 9 year old) often asked me questions that require thought. I've recently taken on the responsibility of taking care of my 81 year old aunt. She is completely bed ridden, and cannot do much for herself. The small things she is able to do for herself, she often chooses not to do them. Though I can certainly understand the psychological disappointment she faces being bed ridden, it often is troublesome to me. So today my responsibilities still include four children, my husband (or better yet, my duties as a wife), my commitment to the ministry where I serve, my business, my aunt, and new job and somewhere in there myself. 

Didi, who doesn't say much but is extremely observant, asked me if it was hard to take care of my aunt and do all the things that I do, she also asked why I made a big deal over my husband's birthday, and he didn't do that on my birthday. I attempt to be as honest as I can with the children, but she has made up in her mind that she doesn't want the responsibility of marriage and children. While I try to express to her the joy that comes with the challenge, unfortunately my words don't shadow the reality of the weight of the responsibility. I want her to be happy, and to experience marriage and children when is ready, but I feel that my temporary disappearing act leaves her to desire more as an independent person. I desire more. Over the recent weeks George and I have not been on speaking terms, we've been on fussing terms, but in a desire to regain peace in our house, we've gotten back to our place of zen. There were days where I literally felt like packing up and leaving. I spent nights crying and praying. It seemed that the more I prayed the worst things would get. I then started going the extra mile. If George was hungry, I made his favorite meal. If he wanted take out, I went out of the way to go to his favorite restaurant. I became whatever he wanted in the bed. After a week of pouring out and receiving nothing for my troubles, I begin to see a little light at the end of the tunnel, and finally day break.

My relationship with God keeps me from jumping off the deep end. It gives me strength to do all the tasks I have to complete. It keeps my mouth in control from telling people what I really want to say, and it gives me peace that guards my heart and mind beyond even my own understanding. So while I haven't determined how I manage to get everything done in only 24 hours, I have determined that everything doesn't need to get done immediately and my family is still the most important thing of all.

Adversity, Opposition & Disappointment

We often feel like we are alone when facing adversity, opposition and disappointment. It's during these times of stress that we are pulled the closest to God. These are the times that we find ourselves dedicated to being on our knees in prayer. We are seeking relief from him. If we will maintain this posture of prayer during times of rejoicing, perhaps we would not face these situations because God will have access to speaking to us consistently. We must understand that some adversity comes in our lives to build us up. Gather as much information during difficult times as you can, as it is a lesson. If you do not learn the lesson the first time, then you are destined to repeat the trial. As I was reading the story of Naaman in 2 Kings 5:10-12 & 14, I realized Naaman delayed his own blessings by not wanting to be obedient to what he was instructed to do. It was one of his servants that gave him a reality check and let him know, if you were instructed to do something more complicated you would have done it, however because the instructions didn't come in the way you thought they would, and was packaged according to your expectations, you refuse to do what is necessary to receive your healing. After consideration Naaman obeyed the word of God, and found himself restored to an even better state than before.
God will often speak to us in a soft whisper. When we don't hear, he then gets louder. When we still refuse to listen, he has to allow us to bump our heads in order to turn back to him and say "okay, I surrender all." God doesn't require a big miraculous move of the Earth to perform what he is prepared to do in our lives, he simply needs our obedience to do what he has instructed us to do, and to remain in the proper position where we can receive his blessings on our lives. Trees don't run around in search of water, they remain rooted and grounded. Let's be like a tree planted by a river. We have a source who has proven to be faithful in blessing us even when we are not faithful, there is no reason to move and attempt to search for a new source.

Seven Years and Counting

This year marks 7 years that George and I have been together. We often forget our true wedding date because we secretly ran off and got legally married without telling anyone but my best friend and father one year in March. We were already in the process of planning our wedding, but the funds weren't coming in as quickly as we had hoped, so we had a civil service and planned our wedding for the end of that same year on our actual anniversary (so not to have to remember another date). Our wedding was held on our 4th year anniversary. We consider our anniversary the day we never left each other's side. We met August 13, 2004 and unofficially moved in together September 13, 2004. While both of us maintained our own residences, he was always at my place, or I was either always at his. He helped pay bills at my place, and I bought food and cooked and cleaned his place. We knew then we were going to get married, but we had only known each other for a month, and both felt it a bit crazy to admit how deeply we had fallen for one another. George will always admit he found his wife the moment he walked into that classroom where I was sitting. I didn't become his wife when we faced the clerk in that civil ceremony one day in March, but I became his wife before I even met him.
Proverbs 18:22 says he who finds a wife.... thus meaning I was ready to be his wife when he found me. The preparation for becoming a wife doesn't start when you meet someone, when you are engaged, or God forbid when you become married. I had just truly submitted myself to God, thus ready to submit and commit to my husband to be. While George and I may have drug out the process for becoming legally married, God had already ordained and called us to marriage with one another. I am so blessed to have a friend, partner, and husband to share my life with. May God continue to keep us. 

Nothing has changed but the date

While I'm glad that some people have chosen to start their New Year with yet another resolution that statistics have shown most won't keep, I chose to start early. I've changed my eating habits, I study my Bible more often, I spend more time in prayer and meditation, and I've already lost 10+ pounds. This doesn't make me exceptional by any means, nor do I intend to put anyone down, but truly nothing has changed but the date for me. Bouncing from year to year starting all over again means that you may have thrown out last year successes and incomplete projects. I intend on finishing every project that was started last year, and seeing it through to its completion. What I will not drag into not just another year, but another day are bad habits that prevented or detoured me from reaching the finish line sooner. While we can pray and ask God to direct our paths, we are still required to stay in position to receive his blessings and move forward in what he's instructed us to do. Through prayer and meditation, it was made clear to me that I was not pursuing Orangeview Family Services as much as I could/should be. While getting used to four kids has taken some time, now that George is home I'm able to get a break in my day to make some other meetings I've had to put off. I have worked for other companies in sales and marketing, one particular company I made them over $22k in two months, yet I had not committed the time it takes to do the same for my own organization. I am now giving myself to doing what I should have finished last year, and refocusing on business. I have a new level of excitement regarding Orangeview and my health. The Joneses have lots to do this first quarter of the year. We plan on getting pregnant, reorganizing our businesses, purchasing the five acres we currently live on as well as me returning to school. I heard a radio commercial recently that stated "don't attempt to keep up with Joneses, chase them down", we intend on making you do just that this year. Move forward this year and forget about the items you won't stick to, focus on finishing the tasks that were left unaccomplished last year.