Lessons I (should have) learned in kindergarten

I read a poster in one of my high school classes years ago that said everything important I needed to learn in life, I learned it in kindergarten. Things like sharing, friendliness, respect for others, etc. Being that I attended kindergarten in the early 80's, the poster was accurate (although today it may read differently and would have focused on developmentally inappropriate items for 5 year olds such as reading novels and doing long division). But the older we get, and the more we experience heart ache and disappointment, we close ourselves off to sharing, caring and even friendliness. Sometimes it takes an act of God to knock us back into reality of how we are to treat one another.
This is especially true in marriage. It is not natural to care for others the way we are expected to care for our spouse. Don't believe me, when a child has an issue does he cry to get your attention to fix the problem or is he concerned about your day? Some of us have to learn how to treat our husbands/wives. The Joneses are no exception to the rule. George and I come from single parent families, and have had to rely on life lessons, previously failed relationships, and other people's examples of how to become good spouses. Every day is a training process that we willing enter into (okay most days we're willing). Nightly family prayer keeps us in the mind frame that we have to work towards being happy with ourselves and one another. If we are upset for whatever reason, it must end at the end of the night when we join hands and pray as a family (which is a bonus for us both because this means we can only stay mad at each other for a maximum of 12 hours). This has been the single most important thing we have ever done for our marriage. It opened our eyes to becoming more unified, as opposed to worrying about our own selfish needs. Our daily frustrations are no longer projected onto one another, but laid down at the end of the night during prayer. We realize that our relationship sets the foundation of what Dorian will grow up to pursue. If we set a terrible example, it could potentially ruin him for his future wife and family. Family is no easy task, and marriage and children can be extremely difficult, especially when you are still attempting to pursue your own life's visions. But building your relationship on a solid foundation helps to keep you steady when the world starts shaking around you. Perhaps we did learn some valuable lessons in kindergarten, but what good are they if we never apply them to today? Life is challenging enough, and home should be your place of zen, where you are able to plug in and recharge. It may be cliche, but change does start within. Not happy, do something about it.

...until the ride comes to an end.

It's been a moment since I've had the opportunity to sit at my laptop for longer than 30 seconds, without any interruptions from one of the numerous people in my house, that I've not gotten used to in the year they've all been here. I realize not a lot of people can wrap their minds around the concept of working from home. Especially those Baby Boomers whose parents taught them you work from outside your home and depend on the government and your employer for your retirement. Us Generation X-ers are realizing we don't want to commit so much of our lives to an employer and we're guiding our own retirement plans through self-directed IRA's and other means.
As I'm doing my quarterly life inventory, and asking myself did I accomplish what I set out to do, I'm sorely disappointed in how side tracked I've allowed myself to become. As a family we made some decisions that have eaten up more of my attention and time than George's. We decided to homeschool Dorian, and being his lesson coach has been my sole responsibility even though I am actually away from home more often than George. I took on a part time job with the county office of education, and have only had 3 days per week to homeschool Dorian and work on my own business. Not wanting to neglect Dorian's education, I've dedicated most of that time to teaching him new lessons, and the two days per week I'm at work, he completes worksheets that are simply a review of what he's learned the rest of the week. It has somewhat worked out, then add in the household chores that no one else does, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc, and I have very little desire to do anything else except sleep at the end of the day. In order to keep up such a hectic lifestyle, I've committed to eating better, which has really increased my energy level.
At some point, I've stopped pursuing my personal goals and began waiting for an announcer to say "keep all arms and legs in the car until the ride comes to an end", as if there was going to be an opportunity to get off this crazy roller coaster that has become my life. In retrospect, sure I could say I should have said no to some things no matter how mean it made me look, or been clear on what expectations I had for George's involvement so that I wouldn't be left juggling everything by myself, but that didn't happen, so now what?
Dorian's education is something I don't regret, but it's time to get back to work on the rest of my personal goals. So I don't have the manpower to get the vision built for Orangeview, I'm moving forward like I do (which you may absolutely feel free to take this as an invitation to volunteer your services). My mother and her husband have found other living arrangements, which relieves me from having to worry about them falling through the floor in the dilapidated RV they've come to know as home for over a year, as well as relieves some of the financial cost associated with running power to the RV and feeding two stay-at-home-all-day adults. My father has began dating his wife again (from the example and conversations George and I have had with him about marriage), so perhaps one day he will find his way back to his wife (if she'll have him), and eventually it just may go back to being just the three of us. The one thing I'm not going to do, is hold my breath and worry about other people's problems so much that I neglect my very God-given purpose, to help the students and families that really need Orangeview's services.
So if the ride doesn't come to an end soon, I'm throwing up my arms, screaming to the top of my lungs, and riding it out through the loops, turns and twists.  

Greens and garters

I have been so busy since my last post, and for those who follow my blog I deeply apologize. I want to keep you informed, or educated, or whatever it is you get from reading my blog, but lately I have been barely capable of turning on my laptop, let alone posting anything. My stepfather Kevin has come back home permanently and is looking for employment, my Aunt Rose passed and we had to plan her funeral (which was a lot to handle) as well as take care of dissolving her estate to cover some of the final expenses. Camp season is quickly approaching, so after taking two weeks off from my business, I had 18 messages on the phone and countless e-mails to reply to. In all of this, I still had a household to run, work outside the home that I went to every week without fail, as well as a husband that in all the chaos, I have to make sure he doesn't feel neglected. Unlike Dorian; who if he needs a hug, he grabs me and takes one, or steals kisses from me throughout the day; George will quietly wait for me to remember he exists. Men will only do this for so long before they find other things to keep them busy. During this time George worked on our fleet of vehicles (five vehicles, four motorcycles and a large u-haul truck), he worked on our computer network and various other tasks around the house to keep busy. Before he ran out of things to do around the house and began looking for tasks outside the house, I came up for air.
Perhaps you find yourself now competing with all his multitude of outside-the-home-tasks, fear not, you can still get it together. Remember when you first moved in together, he couldn't wait to get home to you? What changed? Lots of things change, but the needs of your man are still as simple as they were then. Stop thinking about all the things he used to do for you, and start thinking all the things you did for him. What we don't realize is while we're sitting around pouting about how he doesn't tango with us anymore (and it takes two to tango), we've been sitting around in a pink fluffy tarry cloth bathrobe (which clearly isn't tango outfit appropriate). Stop waiting for him, and start doing for him. He will come around and want to do those things for you. Men stress about providing for their families, working, the next big deal, the increase in bills with additions to the family, etc. The last thing he wants to stress about is his woman.
There is a study that showed men have the same brain activity when they hear music, and when women speak. How many of us know all the words to the popular songs that come on the radio, but we do know the words to the songs we enjoy. If you don't like the song on the radio what do you do? Change the station. Don't get upset because he didn't hear you, put the words to a song that he will listen to. Once his love cup is overflowing, he will respond. Take care of his needs, and he will rush home from work to take care of yours. Make it difficult for him to want to leave the house in the morning. If he's rushing to get away from you, fix the you part of the relationship, that's all you control anyway.

A sad world

There have been many cases that have sparked outrage in the African American community, but this case is not just about racism (though it sadly is included in this case), this is a human issue. Americans everywhere have been affected by this tragedy. Some have suggested that had he not been wearing a hoodie, he would not have been singled out. However on a cold evening, if not a hoodie, would a beanie and jacket made him less threatening as a young black male? How about a baseball cap? Give me an idea of what head attire would have been suitable for warmth on a young black male that would make him less "gangsta" and I'll be a believer. The sad fact is, that in 2012, I still have to teach my son that no matter what he wears, ignorant people still exist in the world who want to harm him. The look on my sons face when I explained to him there is still this type of evil and hatred in the world was one I'll never forget. I felt I had taken another piece of his innocence and childhood away that I would have much rather stayed intact, but that would be far more dangerous for him.
For years I bought into the idea that if I wore my hair natural, dressed a certain way that would deem me as "too ethnic", I would not be positioned for success. 32 years of relaxers (and I'm only 34) in my hair has left my scalp seriously damaged and my hair brittle, lifeless and falling out. I left my torn jeans and colorful clothes back in my college days. I have faced many health challenges over the years that medical professionals could not explain. Several attempts at leaving behind processed hair, unnatural and processed foods had left me feeling much better, but my understanding of the society we live in would not allow me to completely make the switch. Years ago, my best friend decided to jump ship and be her natural self, another person commented about the state of my friends singleness by stating she was "too ethnic." My best friend has hair down her back (which is all natural), is a home owner, has two master's degree and a great career, and she's accomplished it all by simply being herself. The fact of the matter is I don't have straight hair. I don't wear a size 6, I attend church on Sunday's, I'm Black, I like country music and think Blake Shelton is cute, I married a Black man who I think the world of, I ride motorcycles and drive trucks, I would rather go to a shooting range than pick flowers and I'm okay with who I am. I refuse to believe that if my son wears a hoodie on a cold night that he deserves to be shot and killed for walking in a gated neighborhood (that we may very well live in). I refuse to believe that someone's ignorance is a cause to live our lives in fear.
I remember a warm day on the lawn at San Francisco State University when I was approached by a young Korean man. He wanted to attend UCLA, but in fear of Blacks in Los Angeles, his parents would not allow him to attend. We sat discussing our differences, but mostly our similarities. I wanted to eliminate his fear, and he wanted me to know they existed. We both missed our classes to sit and talk. Unfortunately conversations are not always easy when a gun is shoved in your back while you are pinned face down on the ground wondering what you did wrong. We mock third world countries for their universal healthcare, and their lack of freedom. For their ability to consume less. For their lack of obesity and preventable health problems. But when young men are killed and nothing is done about it, who is really the third world county? When is being who you are a crime? When someone else fears you. Face your fears, and eliminate them.

Letting go and moving on

So you can probably guess from the title of this entry, we didn't really hash out our last issue. So how the heck do you move on instead of harboring ill feelings? Certainly there are times where I would like to go for a long walk in the middle of the night with all my belongings while I leave the gas on the stove on after blowing out the pilot light, but that would be illegal (I'm certain there are other reasons as well not to do this, however they escape me right now.) It has been witnessed by others (both friends and family) that occasionally George gets in a mood where to call him a @#$hole is being nice. He then realizes he's been a prick to me and then spends several weeks attempting to make up for his wrong doing. I'm a big believer in not doing stupid stuff to have to apologize for, however not everyone (including the man I married) abides by the same creed.
Take a good look at your relationship, you'll notice there is a peacekeeper and a fighter. If you haven't already assessed this, it's simple to do. Who does most of the apologizing? Who does most of the sacrificing? Please don't use this as an opportunity to create a list that will push you over the edge and set the house on fire with your spouse still in it. This may be a little painful, may make you angry, all that is acceptable, just don't act on that anger. Certainly if you are the peacekeeper, you have been the glue in your relationship and at times you feel unappreciated and are worn out from your role in the relationship. The fighter has pushed some buttons that have left you bleeding like an open wound. Only you can determine if there is anything left worth saving, if you are married, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to give everything a try.
So now that you've discovered you are the glue in the relationship, or you're the fighter, what are you going to do now. If you realize marriage is not 50/50, it's 100% on both halves. If you strive to only get a 50% on a test, guess what, you've failed. When you love like it's never gonna hurt, you place yourself in a vulnerable position. We approach our relationships with others with resistance. Each act we perform for them is based on how they've treated us, what's been reciprocated to us, and the old 1980-something anthem of most of us "what have you done for me lately." We never think about loving others on credit. Christians are required to for others as unto Christ. This means you care for others because of God, not because they deserve it. Yet recently I have heard more "so called" Christians complain about what they have done for others and how it has not been reciprocated, as to be waiting on people to bless them instead of God (but that's a whole other tangent). The best way to receive love is simply to be a loving person. So what became of our failed date night, nothing. It was never discussed, I never received closure or an explanation. Love doesn't need any of that, it just is. Either you're going to give it or not. Try remaining silent sometimes, and see where that gets you. The fighter has no fight without an opponent. If you're the fighter, stop being selfish and think of your spouse, if your the peacekeeper do your job and maintain peace without becoming the fighter's opponent. Life is too short to spend angry all the time. Your health could be impacted negatively from such stress. Don't let anything cause you to have a heart attack, take control of your own happiness and let go of all the drama.

Broken windmills and stolen suckers

What happens when you are no longer "in love?" If all married folks would keep it real, we fall in and out of love on a daily basis. No one mentions that at some point the butterflies are gone and dead, the conversations are dry and short, and the person you once had on a pedestal has fallen from grace and landed among the common folk. I will keep it real for you then, if no one else has. Being married sucks!!! There, I said it! I love George more than I can imagine, and just when I think I couldn't love him anymore than I do, we wake up another day and I love him more, but dang it I loved being single! We all want what we can't have, but when you are really doing marriage right, it's a lot of work and sacrifice. As a stubborn independent person, I now have to back down at times and let my husband take the lead, even if that means leading us in the wrong direction. I have had to learn to speak to him in a way that he doesn't hear nagging, but kindness and concern. I am a very direct person, if I say the sky is blue, it's not code for how does my new hair cut look or do these jeans make my butt look great, I really mean the sky is blue. I find myself having to learn a different language so that my husband understands me, and I understand him. Some days, we are unwilling to make the necessary sacrifices to put each others needs as a high priority. For example, I had planned a date night, and I talked about it all week. I was soooo excited. I did my hair, I picked the perfect outfit and accessories, I found somewhere for Dorian to go, I was ready. George hates going out. He doesn't like the movies, he hates eating at restaurants, it's like pulling teeth whenever we go somewhere. As a result I usually end up taking my best friend Shayla out instead of him. I gave him a week to get ready. The day arrives, and he cancels over $3 in gas. I couldn't have felt worst if I were a 3 year old with a broken windmill and stolen sucker. What he really was upset over was I had used his juice to make some punch the week before. He asked me to replace the juice and I couldn't find it, so I bought four different types of juices for him, three of which he doesn't drink. In the 7 years we've been together, he's always done the shopping. He only buys what's on sale, and I never noticed he didn't buy these three types of juice. He was too upset and selfish to discuss it with me, and I was too hurt to care why he was acting the way he was, after all, he knew how much date night meant to me. Refusing to be stood up for senior prom again (another story for a later blog entry), I called Shayla, got dressed and drug myself out the house. He made a pitiful attempt to call me, but still upset over his juice, he was in no mindset to discuss anything for real. Now upset myself, I refuse to hear anything other than I'm sorry, and on my way to meet you. Our date never happened, and still no apology, so how did we move on? Did we move on?


.... to be continued.