... talking about marriage.

Asking questions about the sustainability of one's marriage, brings up all sorts of conversations with one's spouse. Okay, I brought up some issues and they festered and oozed out into needing to talk to George. So one Monday we sat in our room confessing our faults to one another (as well as bringing up some faults of each other) and I realized we were both so exhausted we made little time for one another, and were both feeling the results of being neglected. We both admitted to having a bit of trepidation about enlarging our family. He being worried about finances, me being worried about the time and sacrifice that goes into raising an infant (and I'll admit a little vanity about being over 30 and what my body won't do that it did with Dorian when I was in my 20's). Our discussion brought us together and the result, no sex for two weeks. Not because we are angry or anything like that, but because he embarked on a spiritual journey that I support and it requires us to abstain for two weeks. This has been the greatest course in our marriage. We typically keep our distance from one another if we can't "get any", but realizing the importance of making sure each other are getting what we need emotionally, we can't keep our hands off one another. In the mornings, we no longer hop out of bed to get started on business tasks or daily chores. We linger in bed for hours at a time making out like teenagers keeping far enough away so not to be tempted to go any further. We can't afford a vacation right now, and being our plans for travel down south during this holiday season was sidetracked by extra people to care for, and broken down vehicles, we still need the down time. We retreated to one another's arms for blotting out the rest of the world, and it works better than any flight to a destination. During these past two weeks, our silly arguments have resulted in retreating to our bedroom with the door closed attempting to "solve" our dispute and the rest of the people in our home are none the wiser. We understand life can be stressful, and have decided to stop taking it out on one another... for now. If forever is what we're chasing, we can either choose to live waring with one another, or we can lock and load, hop in the trenches together and come out aiming at the world. We are too ruthless at war (generally speaking) to fight one another, so we make better allies than enemies, besides we didn't start off as enemies so why end up there.

Forever. Forever?

Marriage is tough, and with no examples of a successful marriages to learn from in our circle of influence, I often wonder how we got where we currently are, and how do we get to where we are attempting to go...forever. We've only been at this thing for 7 years now, and have so much to learn about being a good spouse that we are not nearly to be considered experts, but what we both have in common is our willingness to hop in the trenches, lock and load, and come out fighting together. Occasionally there is friendly fire, and we aim the weapons at one another, then we have to regroup and remember that we are not one another's enemy.  There are some things we are still learning, like how to speak to one another. We are good friends, so sometimes we cross the line and speak to one another as though we aren't married. Jokingly one day we were talking about my parents. I mentioned the challenges they both have. My father has never been faithful to anyone, and my mother often stretches the truth to fit how she wants others to see her. George then laughs and says jokingly "so your father's a ho and your mother's a liar." Realizing the absurdity of it all I laugh to, then he proceeds to say "so what does that make you...." (yes you've guessed the rest right) "a lying ho." Certainly we realize these types of conversations can be damaging to our relationship, okay let me pause, I realize it, we're still working on his realization. Though I've mentioned it lots of times, over the years he still doesn't see what's wrong if you're only joking. The problem is, I've fought guys for less, and there is no way to maintain a healthy level of respect for my husband, if we cross some lines. At year seven, we're still attempting to draw lines in the sand, and inform the other person it's not okay to cross those lines. I guess some couples get to this hard part and throw in the towel. It really is a training process. He must be trained how to treat me, and so must I. I used to not like the word "trained" when it came to marriage. It sounds like an animal or pet, however when initially employed we go through a training process and I'm willing to deal with that label. Compound this process with financial woes, additions to the family or household, and the daily grind of trying to work, grow businesses etc., it can get difficult. I was never under any elusions that marriage was something that would be easy, but if I had known it was this hard, I would have probably said no thank you. I went in to this wanting to get this part done and over with as soon as possible, but you can't rush it. Most people put their best face forward when entering a new relationship, I never liked this part, always felt it was fake. When a person starts off with their best face, it causes you to respond appropriately, which is typically admirable. However when the true person comes out, and the habits are noticed, and the fighting begins, you respond accordingly. If you drop a baby (please don't rush out and try this, I am a mandated reporter) they place their hands in front of them instinctively to protect themselves. Our natural instincts are to defend ourselves, so it becomes a serious challenge not to retaliate when you feel wronged. He didn't get you what you wanted (or anything) for your birthday, so you stop cooking all his meals. He ignored your feelings of how important it was to come home on time when you planned a special night out just you two, so you felt the need to make him feel what you felt, unimportant and unappreciated, so ignore his calls when you see his number in caller ID on your cell phone. He refuses to pick up after himself, so you left his things all over the place and he could no longer find anything because you were what kept him organized. I could go on and on, but I'm certain you can think of some things on your own. Something I have discovered over these 7 years is that wives are a magnified mirror image of what their husbands are. If he refuses to be the head of the household, she takes on that responsibility and beats him over the head with it. If he refuses to appreciate and value her, she ignores him and disrespects him like he's a nobody. In order for us to get it right, we have to see it modeled. The Christian answer to this problem would be to pray for him to get it right, and allow God to work on him and you, but our human side questions why God even sent him in the first place (if he was sent by God, hopefully that is your case). I know why God sent my husband, and I know I'd be a hot mess without God & him in my life, no telling what example I'd be for my son, but sometimes I really want to have a one on one conversation with God about the details of the person he placed in my life. Without having been a man, I can only deduce it is difficult to love your wife. If it weren't, God would never have instructed them to love us as they love themselves. We weren't instructed to love our husbands, it just comes to us. If loving us is as difficult as obeying them (which God instructed us to do, so he knew it would be hard), then I can understand how they fall short at time. Find someone who's been happily married for over 20 years, and ask them how they managed to both survive. Forever seems like a long time, and has us both wondering where we could travel to contract a slow killing disease that would shorten our sentences... and I mean that with the utmost sense of love.