I have never been good at holding on to stuff. I recall fights as a child with my cousin that typically ended with us saying sorry, moving on, and returning to play. I'm not sure who initiated the quick apologies, but perhaps being the only one to play with limited us on our ability to remain angry for longer than 5 minutes. This habit has continued into adulthood. George will do something entirely moronic, and yet the longest I'm able to stay mad is a few hours (sometimes I think he takes complete advantage of my inability to hold onto a grudge). As a woman, I'm totally capable of "brining up old stuff" if it will help me make a point, but if I'm honest, the sting of the initial upset the "old stuff" has caused was long assauged with the passing of time.
I often have conversations with a coworker who is retiring next month, about the hurt she sustained from her parents as a child. She will be 61 years old this summer, and yet she still struggles with getting over her childhood. I try not to be judgemental, but I lack understanding on why she can not move on. I've seen the damage unforgiveness does to people, and I refuse to reside in such a disasterous place. Unforgiveness eventually becomes bitterness, and most people who age with bitterness in them, don't do so gracefully. Call me vain, but I don't want to turn gray and wrinkle early because I refused to let things go. My coworker has explained that her parents were not supportive of her, and didn't interact with her much. On one occasion her father choked her and her mother slapped her. She expresses they were not physically abusive, but their emotional neglect caused her extreme trauma. While I realize everyone's pain is real to them, I must admit that most times we speak I'm asking God for the immediate patience to get me through the conversation. What makes me able to forgive and move on with a worst childhood by anyone's standards, and her unable to move on with what other's may seem as petty issues?
Forgiveness all boils down to this...a mental choice. Every negative thought, feeling or situation we choose to hold on to or let go of, is a conscience decision that moves us closer or further away from forgiveness. In order to move on, you must first understand your station in life. What are you entitled to? Who should ensure those entitlements? Whoever is in charge of ensuring entitlements, are they capable of being in charge? Answering these questions will help you move on. If you believe you are entitled to the world (first off you are delusioned, but I'll walk with you just for arguments sake), and you think your parents should have been the one's to give you the world but they failed, and now you are upset at them, let me help you quickly.
1) You were never entitled to the world. Honestly, you were not even entitled to some of the extras they provided you as a kid. If you got no extras (never got one thing for your birthday or Christmas, etc.) then we'll move on to the next question.
2) While you are waiting on those you think should bring you everything you believe you are entitled to, you should be working on obtaining those things yourself. It doesn't matter how old you are, even babies learn to self-soothe at some point. They will stop crying for their mother's to put a pacifier in their mouth, they'll just use their fingers and hum themselves to sleep. If you haven't learned to suck on your own fingers yet to self-soothe, then what are you waiting for. Make things happen, not sit and wait for things to happen. Your happiness is dependent on you, not anyone else.
3) Those that you put in charge of your happiness and the things you feel you are entitled to, may not have even been capable of taking care of their own needs let alone yours. They faced challenges of inadequacy, failure, and spiritual impotence, how could they have figured out how to help you? Some of the people you put in charge may have even been mentally unstable (looking back you can see it now) and yet you are holding them to a position they were never equipped to fill. Perhaps the person you put in charge was yourself, but you didn't have enough skills, education, experience, know-how to figure things out (in this case, you should have depended on someone smarter than yourself).
For those who profess to be Christians, how do you not put any person in such an important role knowing humans are capable of failure and fatigue. Perhaps my friends parents didn't understand the support she needed, her siblings don't have the same complaints she does. Perhaps she was extremely needy, and her parents were just too tired to deal with her specific needs. The bottom line is, at 61 (or any age) you seem a little silly blaming others for your level of happiness. I encourage anyone who suffers from unforgiveness to let it go. You will breathe a whole lot better when you do.
I often have conversations with a coworker who is retiring next month, about the hurt she sustained from her parents as a child. She will be 61 years old this summer, and yet she still struggles with getting over her childhood. I try not to be judgemental, but I lack understanding on why she can not move on. I've seen the damage unforgiveness does to people, and I refuse to reside in such a disasterous place. Unforgiveness eventually becomes bitterness, and most people who age with bitterness in them, don't do so gracefully. Call me vain, but I don't want to turn gray and wrinkle early because I refused to let things go. My coworker has explained that her parents were not supportive of her, and didn't interact with her much. On one occasion her father choked her and her mother slapped her. She expresses they were not physically abusive, but their emotional neglect caused her extreme trauma. While I realize everyone's pain is real to them, I must admit that most times we speak I'm asking God for the immediate patience to get me through the conversation. What makes me able to forgive and move on with a worst childhood by anyone's standards, and her unable to move on with what other's may seem as petty issues?
Forgiveness all boils down to this...a mental choice. Every negative thought, feeling or situation we choose to hold on to or let go of, is a conscience decision that moves us closer or further away from forgiveness. In order to move on, you must first understand your station in life. What are you entitled to? Who should ensure those entitlements? Whoever is in charge of ensuring entitlements, are they capable of being in charge? Answering these questions will help you move on. If you believe you are entitled to the world (first off you are delusioned, but I'll walk with you just for arguments sake), and you think your parents should have been the one's to give you the world but they failed, and now you are upset at them, let me help you quickly.
1) You were never entitled to the world. Honestly, you were not even entitled to some of the extras they provided you as a kid. If you got no extras (never got one thing for your birthday or Christmas, etc.) then we'll move on to the next question.
2) While you are waiting on those you think should bring you everything you believe you are entitled to, you should be working on obtaining those things yourself. It doesn't matter how old you are, even babies learn to self-soothe at some point. They will stop crying for their mother's to put a pacifier in their mouth, they'll just use their fingers and hum themselves to sleep. If you haven't learned to suck on your own fingers yet to self-soothe, then what are you waiting for. Make things happen, not sit and wait for things to happen. Your happiness is dependent on you, not anyone else.
3) Those that you put in charge of your happiness and the things you feel you are entitled to, may not have even been capable of taking care of their own needs let alone yours. They faced challenges of inadequacy, failure, and spiritual impotence, how could they have figured out how to help you? Some of the people you put in charge may have even been mentally unstable (looking back you can see it now) and yet you are holding them to a position they were never equipped to fill. Perhaps the person you put in charge was yourself, but you didn't have enough skills, education, experience, know-how to figure things out (in this case, you should have depended on someone smarter than yourself).
For those who profess to be Christians, how do you not put any person in such an important role knowing humans are capable of failure and fatigue. Perhaps my friends parents didn't understand the support she needed, her siblings don't have the same complaints she does. Perhaps she was extremely needy, and her parents were just too tired to deal with her specific needs. The bottom line is, at 61 (or any age) you seem a little silly blaming others for your level of happiness. I encourage anyone who suffers from unforgiveness to let it go. You will breathe a whole lot better when you do.
